I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
