Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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