Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Your dad touched me again.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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