did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
