toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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