She went from zero to smokin in five shots
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
