On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
