I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
