i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
