This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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