I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I had to cum in my sink.
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