I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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