Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
