I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
