I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
