nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
it's like iHOP with fire
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
