I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
