Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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