Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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