Don't make out with my wife yet
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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