We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
