I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
