Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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