Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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