How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
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