I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
