Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
