I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
