btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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