I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
