I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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