It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
