these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
