i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
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