If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
