Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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