I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
