I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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