I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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