Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
