ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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