I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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