Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
