Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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