i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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