He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
