I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
should my penis look like a turkey
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
