I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Mom said you looked used
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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