I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
