Ketchup is God's man juice
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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