Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
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